Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.