“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
twitter is a journey
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Chicken bread
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.