Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.