Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
😎 🍻
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”