Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Kids, do not try this at home!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I have so many questions.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”