Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”