Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
You Might Also Like
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
incredible text to wake up to
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.