“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.