In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Well, that should do it
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
cats when you pet them too long:
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]