Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?