Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth