“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Hank is one in a melon.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks