8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.