Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.