Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
finally
Punctuation Matters. Period.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment