We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”