Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off