If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!