“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
your honor my client chooses dare
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit