Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle