I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
For the baby who has everything
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
We like the way Dwight thinks
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”