To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
found this cool rock hiking today
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Van Gone
If I ignore life will it go away?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason