At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
This guy’s not having it 😆
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea