Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.