The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I have a type: disappointing
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails