Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
#ParentingFacts
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.