ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late