Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
That’s classic.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you