i will not be silenced
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Raisins are grape jerky.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right