Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
You Might Also Like
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.