Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.