Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.