Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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Haha! 😂
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.