Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Holy moly
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts