How all things should be taught/explained.
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
All excellent questions