“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost