Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.