Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.