I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.