Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”