I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.