I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”