Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.