“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I have questions??
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.