My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn