We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I drew y’all a little something.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.