Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Owl Sanctuary
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.