Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
What a website
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Well, that should do it
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.