[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Thursday Thought.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.