her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.